Today, to put it bluntly, I want to ask exactly how much one ought to be able to know about a potential date's sexual habits before ever going on an actual date.
Before I really get into it, some actual questions people answer on OKCupid:
"If a trusted partner asked you to submit to them sexually, would you? Assume that this would involve letting them collar you, command you, and have control over you during sex."
"How old were you when you lost your virginity?"
"You are more likely to have an orgasm via:"
"Do you like sex toys?
"Preferred position: are you a top or a bottom?"
"How big is your porn collection?"
"Do you kiss on the first date?"
"In your ideal sexual encounter, do you take control, or do they?"
"Is it easy for you to achieve orgasm?"
"How often do you masturbate?"
"Do you enjoy giving oral sex?"
"Suppose you have an attractive cousin, and the cousin is also attracted to you -"
No, screw it, I'm not even finishing that last one. Now, I think people should generally be more open about sex than they are, and I think that some of these questions are telling about a person. (I also acknowledge that there is a certain type of relationship that sometimes originates on OKCupid for which these might be extremely relevant answers).
But it's one thing to answer the questions privately because you think that, for example, the frequency of one's self-pleasuring adventures is important information for your total match percentage. It is another thing all together to answer them publicly.
I don't think I'm stepping out on a limb when I suggest the following: Sitting down for a first date with someone whose intimate sexual details and preferences you already knew was a fairly unusual occurrence prior to the advent of internet dating. Knowing these things in advance totally changes the way dating happens. Let's take, as an example, "how easy is it for you to achieve orgasm?" This is normally the sort of thing one learns during a relationship (one imagines from experience more often than not, but that's largely beside the point), rather than prior to ever meeting the person in question. It seems unobjectionable to say that this is unusual, and similarly uncontroversial to say that the change is precipitated by the subtle (fine, not particularly subtle) changes in rules and expectations that internet dating as a platform has contrived.
This may be a simple point, but worth pausing on for a moment before reaching the post's climax (sorry) (actually, no: I'm not sorry). I can totally see how someone could think "sexuality is important, and indicative of facets of someone's personality" and include some of these questions (most of which I assume are user generated). But the knock-on effect has been that people on first dates know far more about each other than one might otherwise expect.
But just because it's different doesn't mean it's necessarily worse. That said, let me suggest two reasons this may not be a positive development.
First, discovering these things is part of the process and even the fun of dating. Anticipation, discovery, mystery, and the unexpected are part of what make dates interesting (at least to me). This is true of the physical as well. For my part, learning what a person likes or doesn't like (etc.) in the bedroom is part of the fun; it's a process of learning about a person that takes place in an intimate, personal space. Taking this out of courtship makes it worse as far as I'm concerned. And yes, I know we could all simply not answer those questions publicly, but let's face it: we aren't to be trusted. We're simply too curious what that cute boy or girl's answer to the salacious question is, and it's all over.
[The Greeks knew all about this; they called it akrasia. To Borrow Alain de Botton's definition: "A perplexing tendency to know what we should do combined with a persistent reluctance to actually do it."]
Second - and relatedly - we're so interested in sex, but it's possible - possible - that there are other important things, too. I worry that if we go into first dates preoccupied by sex (fine, "more preoccupied by sex than usual") we won't give proper attention to other personality traits that constitute compatibility.
We don't always know what's best for us, and even when we do we aren't always capable of the self-restraint required to get it. Sometimes we need rules and institutions to help us get there. When the rules and norms of dating require that you go on a few dates - or even just one date - before you get the answers OKCupid so readily provides, you are forced to be patient, even if reluctantly. You may be at dinner dying to know if your date likes taking control in the bedroom, but you still go to dinner. You still have conversation; you still learn non-sexual things about the other person; you still learn some things about your compatibility. It's helpful when rules and norms make use take stock of important things we might otherwise be too impatient or selfish to think about.
I'll leave you with that thought: sometimes rules and norms are the restrictions we need to get what we really want. Freedom isn't necessarily being able to do whatever you want to do whenever you want to do it. Rules, norms, institutions, and the like can enable us to make the choices we want to by limiting or eliminating options that are attractive or tempting, but ultimately ill-considered. More specifically, let me say this: if you go on a date already knowing what the person sitting across from you is into in the boudoir, you've missed out on some of the fun before you ever started.
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